Archive

Joke

A man was carrying his backpack and ran into a kind person who offered him a ride on his truck.

In the truck, the man would not let down his backpack. When asked, the man replied. “Sir, you are so kind to give me a lift, how can I burden you by imposing my backpack on you?

I received these jokes this morning and had to share them. Thought they were ingenious, whoever created them.

Beauty of the English language which shows that guessing the root word may have a different meaning.

###########

The following questions were in a UK grade 12 equivalent examination– (Purportedly genuine answers).

Q. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Sheik wears on his head.

Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q. What are steroids?
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.
(Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)

Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A. Premature death.

Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow.
(Simple, but brilliant)

Q. How are the main parts of the body categorised (e.g. The abdomen)?
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts – the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the 5 bowels… A, E, I, O, U

Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie.

Q. What does ‘varicose’ mean?
A. Nearby

Q. Give the meaning of the term ‘Caesarean section.’
A. The caesarean section is a district in Rome .

Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.
(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I conked out.)

Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport.
(Irrefutable)

Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

###########

I had to share this!!!
Cheers

A store that sells new husbands opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the
instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates: You may visit this store ONLY ONCE!

There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to The Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door read:

Floor 1 – These men have Jobs and love the Lord.

The second floor sign read:

Floor 2 – These men have Jobs, love the Lord and Love Kids.

Floor 3 – These men Have Jobs, love the Lord, Love Kids, and are Extremely
Good Looking.

‘Wow,’ she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going. She goes to the fourth floor and the sign read:

Floor 4 – These men Have Jobs, love the Lord,  Love Kids, Good Looking and Help With Housework.

‘Oh, mercy me!’ she exclaims, ‘I can hardly stand it!’

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign read:
Floor 5 – These men Have Jobs, love the Lord, Love Kids, Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic
Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign read:

Floor 6 – You are visitor 4,456,012 to this floor.

There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Watch your step as you exit the building.

Thank you for shopping at The Husband Store.

Below is another version from the worldwide web told to avoid gender bias charges.

The store’s owner opened The Wife Store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that serve you daily.

The second floor has wives that serve you daily, love physical intimacy, have money and can really cook.

The third floor has wives that serve you daily, love physical intimacy, have money, can really cook, and are drop dead gorgeous.

The fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

(Recently the following has been making its way through Whatsapp. I am sharing it here not knowing who the author is. This was sent by a former colleague TSL.)

Lexophile describes those with a love for words, such as “you can tune a piano, but you can’t tuna fish,” or “To write with a broken pencil is pointless”

An annual competition is held by the New York Times to see who can create the best original lexophile.

Some of these phrases need an understanding of science and cultural metaphors. An interesting way to teach students from a non Anglo-Saxon culture the idioms.

What careers do you think suits a Lexophile?

The last one is a reason to be humble and not smarty pants.

🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍉🍊🍊🍊🍊🍋🍋🍋🍋

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

If you don’t pay your exorcist, you can get repossessed.

I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can’t put it down.

I didn’t like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

Did you hear about the crossed-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn’t control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

When chemists die, they barium.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.

I changed my iPod’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.

This girl today said she recognized me from the Vegetarians Club, but I’d swear I’ve never met herbivore.

I know a guy who’s addicted to drinking brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.

A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

I got some batteries that were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.

A will is a dead giveaway.

With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

Police were summoned to a daycare center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the fellow whose entire left side was cut off? He’s all right now.

A bicycle can’t stand alone; it’s just two tired.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine last week is now fully recovered.

He had a photographic memory but it was never fully developed.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she’d dye.

Acupuncture is a jab well done. That’s the point of it.

Those who get too big for their pants will be totally exposed in the end.

For more jokes to lighten your day:
Creating communities through laughter.

image

Credit source: Mediacock FB page

A picture says a thousand words.

What do you see in this picture?
a. Old economy work place vs Newer economy- robots , technology disrupting our lives and livelihood!
b. Who stole my lunch?
C. Mistrust between management and worker
d. A company that is top heavy?
e. Workers do not know management’s value add. Poor communication by management?
f. Managers that are not value adding to the bottom line beyond paper pushing.

If the company continues down this route, its unlikely to last long before its overtaken by competitors.

Unfortunately, its true that many workplaces are short of workers because of lack of skills and the lack of attrativeness of certain jobs.

Salaries need to be adjusted to compensate person doing the work.

I wonder, if you were the worker on the ladder, what would you do ?

a) join a union
b) quit
C) brand myself
d) network to change jobs
e) start a company
f) become part of management

Other options?

This is a neat trick to try while waiting for food to arrive at the restaurant.

Pick any digit and write it down three times. Perhaps you’ve chosen 333 or 888.

Add the 3 digits together:
3 + 3 +3=9 or
8 +8+8= 24

Now divide your original three digit number (333 or 888) by the sum of the digit (9 or 24).

You will get an answer: 37

Why is that so? It is a universal truth. 37 is a prime number.

From “Things to make and do in the Fourth Dimension” by Matt Parker

A plane made an emergency landing on water. The stewardess asked the passengers to slide down to the lifeboats, but the passengers refused.

The stewardess then asked the captain to help. The captain, being very knowledgeable and experienced, guided her –

“You tell the Americans this is an ADVENTURE. Tell the British this is an HONOUR. Tell the French this is a ROMANTIC activity, and tell the Germans this is the LAW. Tell the Japanese this is an ORDER, and everyone will be sorted out.”

The stewardess remembered the flight had some passengers from Singapore too. “What about them”, she asked.

The captain, taking a deep breath, patiently explained –
“You need not tell the Singaporeans anything, my dear. Once they see a QUEUE, they will join in without questions.”

………….

Humour is a survival skill. However, what can be funny to one group can be faux pas in the wrong context.

I am a Singaporean, so I can tell this joke to laugh at myself. But when it is about another group of people, they may take it as racism.

Beneath the surface though, this joke pokes fun at every good who do not question beneath the surface because they are conditioned with positive connotations of a word like “adventure”, “honor”, “law”, “order”. Likewise we can get good people to do bad things because its a badge of honor to keep their word.

Dark humour and reflections beneath this simple joke!

This came from my friend GK’s Facebook post.

###############

You need not ponder over the facts. The truisms are undeniable.

Universal Laws

1. Law of Mechanical Repair – After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you’ll have to pee.

2. Law of Gravity – Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible corner. (I change that to: Any earring, when dropped, will roll to the leaat accessible corner. Or worse, to the hole in the sink.)

3. Law of Probability -The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

4. Law of Random Numbers – If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal and someone always answers.

5. Law of the Alibi – If you tell the boss you were late for work because you had a flat tire, the very next morning you will have a flat tire.

6. Variation Law – If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now (works every time).
P.S. I agree. So I resist the urge to change lanes.

7. Law of the Bath – When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.
Note: When I am baking, hands with flour, the phone rings. I watched a video by professional bakers, and they learnt to keep one hand free.

8. Law of Close Encounters -The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don’t want to be seen with.

9. Law of the Result – When you try to prove to someone that a machine won’t work, it will.

10. Law of Biomechanics – The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.

11.. Law of the Theater and Hockey Arena – At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies, and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.

12. The Coffee Law – As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

13. Murphy’s Law of Lockers – If there are only two people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.

14. Law of Physical Surfaces – The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor, are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

15. Law of Logical Argument – Anything is possible if you don’t know what you are talking about.

16. Brown’s Law of Physical Appearance – If the clothes fit, they’re ugly.

17. Oliver’s Law of Public Speaking – A closed mouth gathers no feet.

18. Wilson’s Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy – As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it.

19. Doctors’ Law – If you don’t feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there you’ll feel better. But don’t make an appointment, and you’ll stay sick.

How to Ask for a Salary Increase. Joke I received from Whatsapp.

An employee sends a letter to his boss asking for an increase in his salary!!!

Dear Bo$$

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,
Norman $oh

The next day, the employee received this letter of reply:

Dear NOrman

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed.

You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet. NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the world may be headed for aNOther recession. Looking at ecoNOmic fundamentals, things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

Yours truly, Boss